i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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