I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
