I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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