Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Randomize
