you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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