How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
I am mentally ready for anal.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
I'm really busy with my period
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