If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
