Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
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