your thong is hanging out like whoa
3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
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