You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Confirm your location. A cross street is best, but if google mapping yourself is your least-shameful option go for it. ps- going through his mail for an actual address is always an option.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize
