My cat gives me a boner
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
