there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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