As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
