I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
It's blow job season.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
