I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
He better not be in your backpack
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
