If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
