We need to start having sex underwater more often.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
