Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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