She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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