So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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