he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
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