If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Randomize
