i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
