I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
is that a dick in a sweater?
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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