Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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