I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
