yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
