I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I'm too high and old for this...
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
