I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize