Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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