i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
