I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
