I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
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