i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
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