I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
