ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Is this like a preordered booty call?
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
