When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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