After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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