she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
