you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
