THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
