remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
