ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
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I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
You are the jesus of drinking
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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