i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Randomize
