The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
