I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Randomize
