The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
