I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
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