After last night, I could never be a politician.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
