i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
