Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
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