he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
i need some magic done to my vagina
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
