I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Boobs speak an international language.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Randomize
