so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
