You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
