i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
