we made out on top of his cat.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
