I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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