Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
